My eye’s! My eye’s!

I logged onto match.com to check my matches and see who’s winked or emailed me. Shortly thereafter, I commenced the weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth. Literally.

So I penned a little missive to advise potential suitors:

Dear (insert your name here),

No, I will not respond when your opening salvo is “Hello, pretty.” (Hello Kitty?”) I don’t much like “Hello, beautiful” either, but that, at least, sounds somewhat melodious. I do not want to be “your woman” or “your lady.” And don’t think you can bedazzle me by telling me how “hot” I am. I might have a beautiful face and an adorable smile, but hot I am definitely not (unless you like a full-figured woman, in which case, I might be your gal.)

Besides, I want to be worshipped for my mind, not my body. 🙂

Please do not email me if your writing is peppered with trite phrases like “with that being said” and “I work to live not live to work.” If you’re going to use a phrase like “ying and yang”, at least get it right. (It’s yin. I promise.) Don’t even think about winking at me if you capitalize the “m” in Melody (only it’s not someone’s name) or if I have to play Hercule Poirot to find your missing punctuation. And for the love of all that is holy, do not tell me you hope the “God’s” smile down on you and I respond to your email!!!!

You do not, I repeat not have lot’s of great friend’s, nor do you enjoy nightclub’s and movie’s. The best of all women may have a prize (???), and I’m sure you would like to be taken for whom you are, but I do not have a prize, and if you want someone to take you for who you are, you’re barking up the wrong tree. (BTW, y-o-u-‘r-e spells you are; y-o-u-r spells your!)

While I appreciate your recognition that a few bad apples spoil the barrel, I don’t think the following is an apt analogy for your assertion that women should not reject all men because of a few assholes:

But I would just state that we wouldnt cut off the index finger because the thumb has been dipped in poo, neither would we condemn the other disciples to death because Judas betrayed Christ.

If you are a lzay couch potato, equal part manly-man and sporty, and are a God fear man first, we are probably not going to hit if off. And the phrases Hmmmmm, Beats me; Don’t you just feel sorry for this Guy?; if it don’t brake you it make you; and Perhaps the reason why the chicken crossed the road was b/c he did not want to become fried chicken as he was chased by a wily alley cat do not beckon me closer!

If you really want to get my attention, take a few pointers from these guys:

Paper Bag Princess

by Hello Kelly (yes – ironically, this is the name of the band)

Hey Elizabeth, don’t raise the drawbridge darling.
I’ve been waiting a long time for someone like you.
For someone like you.
You hide behind your insecurities.
The paper bag around your waist
And the mud upon your face puts them above you.
But I still love you.

Cause I’m standing in my tin foil armour,
My dollar store broad sword is by your side.
And did Ronald break your heart when he called you ugly?
And can I hold your arm?

Hey Elizabeth I’m just a peasant school boy.
But I’ve been waiting a long time to hold your hand,
Or something like that.
I’m not a soldier and I’m not a king,
But I can play a mean guitar
And you can talk to me about almost anything,
Without worrying.

Cause I’m standing in my tin foil armour,
My dollar store broad sword is by your side.
And did Ronald break your heart when he called you ugly?
And can I hold your arm?

Hey Elizabeth don’t think that I am ok
Cause I’ve got problems just like you, but I’m fine.
Cause you are mine.
If we put our faith into God above,
Then He will protect us both, and He’ll keep us strong
As long as we have love.
And we’ve got love.

I might decide to marry you after all! 😉

Yours (or not),

Kelly