Late Wednesday night, February 6
I sit in front of the computer a hungry woman. I just drank a glass of milk with chocolate-flavored whey protein, a loooonnnng way from a bowl of cookie dough ice cream, that’s for sure. It’s been a long day. Wednesdays are my early mornings. I go to a networking meeting that starts at 7:00, and I’ve struggled to wake up early.
This morning, my alarm went off at 6:00, and I stumbled into the kitchen to make my (less than half a) pot of coffee and mix up my liver cocktail. I drank them both, ate breakfast tacos, and popped my multi-vitamin supplements while trying to get ready for the meeting. If just getting up at 6:00 and drinking my (half a) pot of coffee while getting ready was a challenge, the new routine takes the difficulty to a whole new level.
I’m getting my mom’s house ready to sell. Working with a professional organizer, I’ve gone through most of the house, clearing out cabinets, closets, and chests. It’s not as gut-wrenching as it was in November and December, but little things still pierce me: the votive candle holder with the red bird candles Mom picked out herself and was so excited about; the darling white, smocked outfit Luke was supposed to wear for his baptism; the Albert Nipon dress and jacket she ordered from Neiman’s but never got to wear.
It shames me when I look around her house and see all the things I could have done to make her life easier/better/happier but didn’t. I wish I could say I did the best I could, but that would be a lie. Even the 21 Day Challenge is a paradox: I’ve taken control of my health, but I wish I’d done it years ago. Perhaps if I’d had more energy and more balance in my life, I would have been more responsive to Mom’s needs. It’s ironic – she would be so happy about and supportive of what I’m doing, but it’s her absence that enabled me to do it.
It was really hard not having anything sweet to eat tonight; I’ve comforted myself with ice cream and cake for five months, numbing my feelings instead of experiencing them. I don’t have anything tempting in my kitchen, and it will probably be that way for a while. Avoiding foods you like isn’t recommended when trying to cure emotional eating – it’s better to practice mindful eating and to listen to your body and what it wants – but I need structure more than freedom now. I need to experience success and feel better soon. I think cultivating discipline is a good thing for me in general – there are a lot of things that need improvement, including money- and time-management.
So Day 2 ends with a whimper, with me trying to fall asleep despite the ringing in my ears. I wonder if exercising, losing weight, and sleeping better will eliminate the damn tinnitus?
One can only hope.
Good luck with your struggle to get healthy (physically and emotionally). I’ve been in a similar place and it’s true that there is something painful in knowing that you’re finally doing what your mother wanted you to do but only now because she isn’t there to push you. My guess is you still feel her pushing you a little! Be well.
Thanks, Amy. She would be so happy that I’m doing this. She always wanted the best for me. I certainly feel she’s with me!